Want Joy? Release Control

The Illusion of Control

The hard thing about being a controlling person (like me) is the continual resistance from everything around. Or is it really resistance? The world will do what it will do, and we must choose: will we go with the flow or will we resist and eventually become exhausted?

Some of us believe that without goals and intentional action, nothing will happen. However, the truth is that plenty can happen if we simply let it.

An old proverb shares how man makes plans, but the Lord determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9). What if this were true? What difference could it make in our lives? Many of us “believe” this, but our practice looks very different.

A New Perspective, What David Really “Believes”

I’m becoming increasingly aware of the duality of the Western worldview. What we call “knowledge” is actually a form of awareness. If you were to ask an Indigenous person about their beliefs, they would likely describe their actions. From this perspective, I might say, “I believe in waking up when my body tells me to (5 AM today). I believe in standing beneath the stars (I did that today, too). I believe in reflecting on my life and submitting to the flow of reality as God seems to intend.”

That’s just from this morning. If I were to describe my beliefs based on my experiences this week, I might say:

* “I believe in dropping everything when a friend is in distress and needs to talk (I did that twice).”
* “I believe in the importance of personal development by continually pushing myself outside of my comfort zone with classes and certifications (I’m doing that now).”
* “I believe in living with patience and open-handedness in my work, knowing that the right clients will come after weeks, or even months (sometimes years), of relationship building.”
* “I believe in exercise, caring for my body, and listening to it when I’m tired by resting, not resisting.”
* “I believe in trusting the process laid out by my country’s elected officials and government, whether I agree with it or not. And I believe in voting with my conscience based on the evidence I see regarding which politicians have the people’s best interests at heart” (Amy and I did this on our date night, not too romantic… I get it).

I could go on.

My point is that the things I describe are the very things I’ve lived through and done this week. My actions aren’t a reflection of my beliefs, they are my beliefs.

Releasing Control, The Path to Joy

For a long time, I didn’t think or live this way. I believed that my awareness (what we might call “belief”) was what I truly believed. For example, I “believed” that vulnerability, openness, and honesty with my spouse were important. However, my actions, observed through a metaphorical video camera, revealed a man who tried to appear put together, even to his wife, and who kept his vulnerabilities and fears to himself. In this way of thinking, my true belief was that I should hide my innermost thoughts.

Here’s why I share all this. In my last blog post, I discussed healing through embracing our places of joy. In this post, I’m exploring how to cultivate a life of joy. The answer lies in learning to release control and trusting that what happens in our lives is what needs to happen.

For example, my wife, Amy, struggled with depression for years. Through a lot of personal work, she overcame it and now works as a therapist. During her recovery, she announced one day that she wanted a puppy, saying, “I’m realizing how my life has lacked joy because I haven’t been willing to tolerate messiness.” This is profound. Consider a puppy: they’re messy, unpredictable, and often destructive, yet they bring immense joy. And I can say seven years later, my dog Ace has become my best friend and (nearly) every day brings our family much joy.

Think to your most intimate relationships, sex (for instance) can be messy. But the bi-product is joy.

Beyond relationships, consider the exploration of faith. For me, it’s Jesus. My journey has been incredibly rocky. It’s taken me and my family all over the country, led to the planting and dissolving of churches, and caused significant pain. However, when I’ve been able to release control, let life unfold, and accept what’s happening, I’ve ultimately experienced the byproduct of joy. Friends, if you want joy, accept that it’s directly correlated with the releasing of control.

The Courage to Choose

Ultimately, what has frustrated you the most in life? I guarantee it’s related to unmet expectations of others or events that didn’t unfold as you’d hoped. But what if the proverb is true? What if the steps that unfolded were exactly what needed to happen?

My cynical friends might ask, “What about all the bad things that happen? Should we just accept them?” For example, my brother-in-law is visiting from Western North Carolina this weekend, and we spent last night listening to him share about all the destruction, loss of life, and eradication of the landscape there. I’m not suggesting that God actively planned this tragedy, nor do I claim to understand it fully. But I am saying that even in the midst of the worst events, we have a choice.

Viktor Frankl, the Jewish psychologist who survived the Nazi death camps, stated that the last of human freedoms is to “choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, he describes the horrors of the Holocaust and the choice to find meaning and hope even in the darkest of times.  

One morning, he described being led out in the snow before dawn in a blizzard. As the guards punched and beat his fellow prisoners, he looked up and saw the sunrise, and for a brief moment felt free.

Later he continues, “There were always choices to make. Every day, every hour, offered the opportunity to make a decision… whether or not you would become the plaything of circumstance, renouncing freedom and dignity.”

The journey toward a life of joy is challenging, no doubt. But you are not a plaything of reality. You have freedom and dignity and the power to choose your attitude. What would it look like for you to cultivate a mindset of acceptance, gratitude, and trust? By doing so we can transform our experiences into opportunities for growth and happiness, regardless of the circumstances. Let go and wait for the power that imperfection brings. What might come?

In my next blog post, I’ll explore what happens after we release control. Stay tuned, and please check out the new podcast.