The Key to Connection Part 1: Grief

Grief is a universal language. Yet, are we forgetting how to speak it in our positivity-obsessed world? What if I told you that grief was a key for connection?

We all experience loss, moments that leave us raw and exposed. Caring for my mother as she died was one such experience, a relentless cycle of pain and uncertainty that stretched for months. The constant “groundhog day” feeling of helplessness and fear was all-consuming.

Looking back, however, that difficult time became a catalyst for a new horizon with God. It pushed me to explore grief and suffering, not just for myself, but to help others navigate these experiences.

The Price of Ignoring Your Own Darkness

For most of my life, I’ve poured myself into helping others connect and build better relationships. From pastoring and planting churches to starting my own company, I’ve served countless individuals and organizations. Yet, as Carl Jung reminds us: “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.”

Think of what you notice regularly – how does it reflect what’s going on inside of you?

For me, I grew up in a home filled with arguing. A wise mentor friend pointed out how this wired me to constantly scan the world for threats and protect myself. This made me a great facilitator in professional settings, but it was an exhausting way to live. I may have appeared calm on the outside, but inside I was constantly troubleshooting and planning for potential threats. It wasn’t until years later that I realized I hadn’t been showing the same compassion to myself that I readily offered to others. Much of my upcoming book on midlife is about the lessons learned in this area. JOIN MY EMAIL LIST TO STAY IN-THE-KNOW.

Tools for Your Grieving Journey

After our move to Tennessee in 2016, grief, in all its forms, became my “cave” with its own dragon to face. From navigating issues in my marriage with Amy to the loss of my mother, and even experiencing my own health scares, each challenge plunged me into a period of deep processing. That dragon? Unprocessed grief.

Even still, each time I confront this grief, I learn something valuable. When I feel stuck, I’ve learned that holding and acknowledging loss is the key that unlocks healing and allows me to re-enter the world. My friends remark on how many personal retreats I take. It’s funny to some, but to me, it’s the way I find clarity on how to move forward with my life. If there’s one tool I’ve discovered in the last ten years that’s helped me the most, it’s that when I feel stuck, it’s often an indicator that there’s potentially something in my past at the root. I often look back, so I can clearly move forward.

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving. Here are some tips to help you on your journey:

• Create a safe space for your emotions. Find a quiet place where you can be alone with your thoughts and feelings. This could be a designated corner in your room, a park bench, or a nature trail.
• Allow yourself to feel. Don’t try to suppress your emotions. Whether it’s sadness, anger, guilt, or fear, let yourself feel them fully. Bottling up your emotions will only prolong the healing process. Look up a wheel of feelings online and get in touch with how you are. Don’t judge the feeling as good or bad. Just name it, feel it, and allow it to be what it is.
• Express yourself creatively. Journaling, painting, playing music, or any other form of creative expression can be a powerful way to process grief. Look at old family photo albums and remind yourself of where you’ve been, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
• Talk to someone you trust. Talking to a friend, family member, therapist, or grief counselor can provide much-needed support and understanding.
• Join a support group. Connecting with others who are also grieving can be a source of comfort and encouragement.
• Be patient with yourself. Healing takes time. Don’t expect to feel “better” overnight.

We struggle with this because we are a triumphalistic society. We’ve adopted a mindset that always looks forward and believes in overcoming obstacles. While part of this is good, it also ignores our nature and the fact that suffering is real. Also, if you read the pages of the Gospels, there’s a lot of talk about suffering and the nature of “God with us” in the midst of the hard stuff. Jesus talked a lot about those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, those who are powerless, those who mourn, and those are the ones who experience the presence and kindness of God (Matthew 5-7). I’ll write more about this one in my next blog.

But back to grief. The journey through grief is challenging, yet by embracing all our emotions, we open ourselves to healing and growth. Suffering can be a harsh teacher, but it can also lead to self-discovery and a deeper connection to the human experience. Remember, you are not alone. Lean on your support system, find healthy outlets for your grief, and know that even in darkness, there is always the potential for light and transformation.

Looking Ahead:

This is just the first part of a series on connection with yourself, God, and others. In the next blog post, we’ll explore the concept of lament – the bible’s language for pouring out our pain with God. We’ll delve into how this practice can be a powerful way to process grief and find solace as you reconnect with yourself, others, and God.

Resource highlight check out my book on grief. If you want to explore more, check out my interview from the Book of Life Conference in 2020 (virtual).