The Table We Build: Listening Beyond Our Own Voice

Since the dawn of creation, we humans have survived by banding together. It’s a deeply ingrained tendency to want to belong with a tribe and have our perspectives validated. Even within those tribes, when we gather there can be an almost magnetic pull to convince and to steer the conversation towards our own way of thinking. Yet we forget that even within the closest of relationships, there are varying ideas. For those of us with powers of persuasion, it’s hard work to remain quiet when we encounter these variances. But what if the very act of building connection, of creating the metaphorical tables I wrote about in my last blog, requires us to loosen our grip on the need to control the outcome, to release the urge to convert others to our viewpoint? Could you do it? Could you make a lifestyle of it?

Think about the most authentic connections you’ve made. Were they born from winning debates? Or did they blossom from mutual respect and a genuine desire to understand each other? Building tables isn’t about populating them with echoes of ourselves; it’s about inviting in the rich diversity of human experience.

I could open my phone and show you the relationships I have with people who see things differently from me. Conservative & progressive Christians, friends from the LGBTQ+ community, those of other worldviews & world religions, old people, young and those of different cultural backgrounds. They are my friends. I learn from them, and they learn from me. But we didn’t get to this point by debating. We got there by building trust.

Trust isn’t built on the strength of our arguments or the force of our convictions. It’s developed in the space created when someone feels truly heard, when their thoughts and experiences are acknowledged without judgment or the immediate urge to counter. My wife will tell you that coaching skills were the best thing that happened to our marriage. Pre-2010, I was a fixer, and had an answer for most things. To Amy and those on the other side of me, I’m sorry.

If you want to try this out ask someone with whom you’ve built trust–“what are somethings you’ve been afraid to tell me because I’ve either never asked, or have been unable to listen?” Then prepare yourself to only ask questions for a long time. No defending. No convincing. No debating. No excusing. Just lots and lots of listening. When your friend is done ask, “what else is there?” And then keep listening. When they are done, thank them, honor them, and then finish the conversation. This is good life practice.

There’s deep wisdom in the ancient words of Ecclesiastes 8:8: “No one has power over the wind to restrain it; so no one has power over the day of their death…” Meditate on that for a while.

While speaking of the uncontrollable nature of life and death, there’s something here we can learn from for our interactions with others. Just as we cannot command the wind, we cannot ultimately control what someone else thinks or believes. The desire to do so often creates friction and hinders the very connection we seek.

Building these tables, therefore, is less about broadcasting our own point and more about creating a safe space for dialogue. It’s about extending an invitation to share, to listen deeply, and to find the shared humanity that often lies beneath the surface of differing opinions—THIS is the stuff from which real relationship grows. When someone feels truly heard, when their voice is valued, only then can the walls of defensiveness begin to crumble, and the possibility of mutual understanding – and even trust – can emerge.

So, as we consider how to build these vital connections in a world that often feels fractured, let us remember:

–Release your need to control, you can’t control anything: Accept that you cannot dictate someone else’s thoughts or beliefs. Focus on fostering understanding, not winning arguments.

–Prioritize listening, you’ve got two ears and one mouth: Make a conscious effort to listen more than you speak. Seek to truly understand the other person’s perspective, their experiences, and the values that underpin their views.

–Truly try to hear someone else: Create a safe space where others feel valued and understood. When people feel heard, they are more likely to be open to hearing and trusting you in return.

–Embrace the uncontrollable (which is all things): Just as we cannot control the wind, we cannot control another’s mind. Accept this reality and focus on the shared space of the relationship itself.

–Seek understanding, not agreement: The goal isn’t necessarily to reach complete consensus, but to foster empathy and a deeper understanding of one another’s perspectives.

Building these tables is an exercise in humility, in recognizing that we are all part of a larger human story. It’s about valuing connection over conviction, understanding over agreement. And in the quiet act of truly listening, we might just find that the most profound bridges are built not with the force of our own voice, but with the gentle receptivity of our ears and hearts.